


Confessions

by BatmanWhoLaughss



Series: Kanera Prompts [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebellion Era - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Angst, Episode: s01e14 Rebel Resolve, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hera Syndulla Needs A Hug, Implied/Referenced Torture, Kanan Jarrus Needs a Hug, Prompt Fic, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:27:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25479157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BatmanWhoLaughss/pseuds/BatmanWhoLaughss
Summary: Tumblr Prompt fromthis list#15: Things you said with too many miles between usKanan's been captured, Hera's on the Ghost, and both of them have some things they need to say.
Relationships: Kanan Jarrus & Hera Syndulla, Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla
Series: Kanera Prompts [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1845700
Comments: 8
Kudos: 68





	Confessions

**Author's Note:**

> I got super inspired by [this tumblr prompt list](https://robbersdjh.tumblr.com/post/114789651506/prompts-1-things-you-said-at-1-am-2-things) and I have so many ideas for Kanera fics!!! Keep an eye out for more to this series- I actually have one more done already!
> 
> This was a request from Tumblr so I hope whoever requested this likes it!
> 
> I'm excited to write more of them, but this was the one that spoke to me most. Let the angst commence :)

Kanan’s sitting curled in the corner on the floor of his cell, sweaty, bloody, and aching, and he knows he’s going to die. 

They give him medicine after every interrogation session– an injection to help him heal, since he’s no good to them dead. But the Inquisitor is relentless, endlessly trying to get Kanan to give up the Rebellion’s secrets, and he knows he won’t last much longer. He can feel his body weakening; he can barely lift his arms without breathing heavily. 

He’s half-delirious now as he sits there shaking, the exhaustion and dehydration taking hold as his body tries to curl further in on itself. He’s letting out small whimpers as the aftershocks of the electricity course through him. Dimly, he wonders if Tarkin and the Inquisitor are watching him as he succumbs to the pain, but all he can think about is whether he’ll see Master Billaba again once death finally takes him. 

Kanan Jarrus has been waiting to die since he was fourteen. He’s not afraid of death, never has been. He knows that when his body finally gives out under the strain, there will be nothing but peace. But then his thoughts stray to what he’s leaving behind. 

“Hera,” he whimpers. Her face swims into his mind, blurry and hazy as his brain tries to think past the waves of pain. He’s quiet when he says her name, knowing that someone is probably listening, but he suddenly doesn’t care. She’s the only thing that gives him some semblance of comfort during this whole ordeal– knowing that she’s safe, that she’ll survive, that she’ll keep fighting the good fight. 

“Hera.” He says it again, because it’s been too long since he’s said her name and he needs something to hold on to while he’s shuddering in the dark. 

“Hera, I’m sorry,” he whispers. He knows they’ll hear him, knows they’ll use this against him in another interrogation. But he can’t bring himself to care, because she needs to  _ know _ , he needs to say this once, even if he knows she’ll never hear it. 

His senses are reaching for her, almost like a reflex. He’s searching for her through the Force, hoping against hope that his death won’t hurt her too badly, that she knows some part of him will always be with her and the kids. But most of all, he hopes that she can forgive him, for never saying what he should have and for never being enough.

“Hera.” He’s been whispering her name over and over, like a prayer as he tries to reach her, wherever she is. “I love you.” There are tears in his eyes now, his chest aching where he struggled against the restraints as he takes shaky breaths. He never told her, not once. Then he’s coughing, hacking as he doubles over, clutching his ribcage. He rubs at his mouth and it comes away bloody. 

“I love you so much.” He can almost picture the Imperials laughing at him, hunched over in a detention cell and crying, but that doesn’t matter now. All that matters is this, even though the small whisper will never leave the four walls of this tiny room. 

“Keep them safe, love. Keep fighting.” He’s fighting to stay conscious as the pain threatens to overwhelm him. “Tell Ezra I’m sorry. Teach him everything I couldn’t.” The image of his padawan’s face, bright and eager and everything Kanan isn’t, swims to the surface of his clouded mind. He hates that he let Ezra down, but he trusts Hera to take care of the boy like he’s her own. In some ways, he  _ is  _ already hers– all of them are.

His eyes are closing now, his body finally giving up as he slides bonelessly to the floor. But he needs to get this out, needs to confess everything so he can finally let go. “Hera,” he murmured, one last time. “Thank you, for… saving me. Forgive me...” 

As he slips into unconsciousness, he wonders how long it will take him to die.

\-----

Hera sits in the cockpit of the  _ Ghost _ , staring out at the vast emptiness of space that mirrored the dull ache in her chest.

The kids are gone. She knows what they’re doing, of course. She knows they’re out there, risking their lives to save Kanan from the Empire’s clutches, and she admires them for it. She wishes she’d been brave enough to do it herself, but she’s always been loyal to the cause first. 

The ache only gets bigger, when she thinks about what the cause is making her do.

She tries not to imagine what they’re doing to him, what they’ve  _ been _ doing to him, all this time. But inevitably, involuntarily, she’s calling up briefings on standard Imperial interrogation tactics in her head, and her breathing is coming faster and faster as she thinks about Kanan suffering. Suffering for  _ them,  _ to keep them safe. To keep  _ her _ safe. 

The tears are flowing down her cheeks before she even realizes it. She’s curling into a ball in the pilot’s chair, making herself as small as possible as her sobs fill the  _ Ghost _ . 

She knows that Kanan knew the risks, knew what giving himself up meant, and she knows that he would probably do it all over again if given the choice. She knows he wouldn’t want her to cry, not for  _ him _ , of all things, and the thought makes her cry  _ harder _ , if possible. Kanan Jarrus doesn’t think he’s worth half a damn, not compared to her or the kids, and now she might never get to tell him how wrong he is.

“ _ Ka-nan.”  _ She forces his name out through her sobs. She knows he can’t hear her, but she  _ misses  _ him, misses his smile and his warm, comforting presence next to her and the brilliant blue-green sparkle in his eyes. She  _ desperately _ hopes that she’ll be able to look into those eyes again. 

“Kanan, love, I’m so  _ sorry. _ ” And she  _ is,  _ more than he’ll ever know. She’s sorry for never being honest with him, never letting him know just how special he is or what he means to her, and she’s sorry that he’s being forced to suffer through this in the name of a cause he didn’t sign up for in the first place. 

She’s glad that Chopper is in the middle of a maintenance cycle, so he won’t see the way she curls in on herself, crumbling to the floor from the pilot’s chair. She’s on her side, hugging her legs to her chest as an image of Kanan strapped to a shock frame flashes behind her eyes. She knows what shock frames can do, has seen the footage of their use during interrogations. Except now she’s seeing  _ Kanan _ strung up like a ragdoll in her mind’s eye, broken and bloody and  _ screaming  _ for the pain to end. 

And it’s her  _ fault _ ; she made the choice to leave him there to die, and she utterly despises herself for it. 

“I miss you, love.” She can barely get the words out, but it’s strangely cathartic when she does, and suddenly she can’t stop talking. “I miss you. Ezra misses you. Nothing’s the  _ same _ without you. I need you.”

She’s managed not to cry until now, trying to put on a brave face for the kids, and for Kanan, because she knows that’s what he would want. But now it’s like she’s cracked open, and everything she’s pushed down is spilling out of her like blood from a wound.

She must be imagining things, the sleepless nights and recycled air starting to get to her, because she thinks she might feel a distant spark of  _ something _ pulling at the edge of her senses. It’s the faintest tug, a barely-there light that swims just out of reach, but she chases it all the same, knowing that  _ somewhere,  _ Kanan’s out there, trying to hold on. 

“I love you.” She whispers the words into the void, knowing there’s no way he could possibly hear her, but needing to say them all the same. She’s desperately clinging to the hope that she can tell him once he’s back home. “I love you so much, Kanan.”

She knows he’s strong, knows he’s fighting, and will fight until the end. That spark of  _ something _ is still there; she can feel it tugging subtly at her heart, and she’s clinging to it, trying to channel all the strength and resolve she has left towards it.

“Hold on, love. Keep fighting. We’re coming for you.” 

_ Please,  _ please _ don’t let us be too late. I can’t do this without you. _

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Feedback/kudos are very much appreciated as always, and feel free to follow me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/targaryenjedii) or [Tumblr](https://batmanwholaughss.tumblr.com/) if you'd like to stay in touch <3


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